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unproductive? a reflection of self

Friday, January 16, 2004

I think I have figured it out....figured out why I am so mind-boggling unproductive... it's a combination of laziness and perfectionism or so I think (and I am probably not the only one ;)). I want to reach the highest heights without doing anything (grin). And then again, that's not totally true either. When I am in a working environment (or when I am volunteering) I do the best I can and am even willing to give up lunch or something, to get it done. I don't even mind not getting paid for it (good for you! well, not so good for my wallet :( ). But when there is almost no pressure or when I have to decide for myself when to work, do something, write something, or in other words, when there is no specific deadline (other then paying another year of college)for something important to finish, I am lazy as hell.

Lazy? Yep I think it is definitely laziness.... and a total lack of self-discipline. And that is a problem. A problem when there is sort of a deadline, but the deadline is so many months away.... except when you look at how much I have to do in those months, every normal person would be getting up his feet and start doing something..but not me, oh no, not me. I'm just sitting in my room, doing nothing! That is... watching tv; playing games; surfing the web. So no self-discipline and a lot of distractions...

Yes, the web... I thought my addiction was in the area of playing games, and yes that's right. But lately I have found the delights of the web... again... I am totally addicted to reading blogs *blush*. I don't know why. I just find it fascinating. It's really interesting, there are so many blogs out there and all of them are telling a different story (or no story at all ;)). But I should stop reading blogs, stop visiting fora and concentrate on stuff I need to do. But no, I have to have my daily portion of blogs, fora, news sites, game sites and so forth. I really have to do something about that. The attractions of the web...they are killing me! it's so sneaky, you think 'okay, I will only take a look at one site', and there it is.... an interesting link begging for you to click on it, and then there is another and another and another and.... see what I am getting at?

and when there is no web, it is tv, sneaky little bastard, I wake up, go to my living room and there it is, a big black box, and it is saying (in a high- pitched voice) 'turn me on! turn me on', so I turn the damn thing on, no escape possible. zapping my way through the most unnecessary bull ever, ending up watching one stupid series after another, it is really frustrating at the end of a day. Looking back at it and knowing that I didn't do a thing again, this deadline coming nearer and nearer, slowly but fast enough

But I started this post with saying my problem was laziness together with perfectionism, and here I am going on and on about all the lovely (;-)) distractions in my fascinating life. So distractions are a problem too. But I justify these distractions by saying those are my object of study so I am studying. and in a way...but no, I know that has to stop. Most of the time I manage to survive when doing everything at the latest moment possible. In my heart I know I have to start things now if I want to survive this time (well survive is a big word)

Darn, what about the laziness-perfectionism problem? Yes, again, that is what I started this with. So I will try to explain: I have to write several papers, but somehow I have troubles starting with those. I just can't seem to get up in the morning (or afternoon as you will) and start working on my own on those paper thingies. Then the distractions come in and I think ' oh I have enough time, I can finish the thing in no time, tomorrow I will start, really I will...' and the next morning (yes, yes afternoon, I know!) it's the same thing all over again. So no self-discipline and lazy too I think, because of the not-be-able-to-get-myself -to-work -on-something-that-matters problem (would that actually mean that no self-discipline equals laziness? hmmm... take a look at this:

self-discipline: correction or regulation of oneself for the sake of improvement
lazy: disinclined to activity or exertion : not energetic or vigorous; synonyms LAZY, INDOLENT, SLOTHFUL mean not easily aroused to activity. LAZY suggests a disinclination to work or to take trouble
Merriam-Webster online
So in a way the answer is probably 'yes' I am not aroused to activity so there is no regulation of myself (to improve) but that is not equality of course, that is more a matter of causality but hey I am getting a little off my own point here.)

I am lazy because I don't do anything and I am a perfectionist because if I do something, I want it to be perfect so if I have time enough I will (in case of a paper) read a sentence, a paragraph, an essay, over and over again until I find it satisfactory. Even with these postings I will read them over and over again to see if I can write something a tiny bit better, even weeks later! So maybe that is why I don't start anything in time, because it would never be in time, I just would keep adjusting the thing. So maybe that is why I have to have a real deadline or actually, several deadlines (one for every paper)to keep me busy and to protect me from having to rely on my self-discipline -ableness. Yes I would start at the latest moment possible, but I would start and finish it, because I had to. (and that's why some of my papers are finished :D)
Oh it is so complicated! Because this is not all, I think, but i am getting really tired and tomorrow, no make that today, in a couple of hours (five!) i have an appointment in the library to study! (yes, my one step towards getting closer to my goal of finishing my study) but maybe I will ramble some more about this topic (you know, the laziness, no self-discipline, not finishing a thing - problem) in a later posting...

So If you read through this whole post... , wow you're still with me?? I congratulate you. Did you get anything I said? Because I know I didn't ^_^

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